Like the creepy-crawlies they are.
In the last quarter of 2006, I watched Remote starring Domoto Koichi and became a fan of Tsuyoshi’s Toilet-on-a-White-Horse. (Unless you’re a KinKi fan, spare yourselves and don’t ask. And even if you are, spare yourself and don’t ask.)
In the last quarter of 2007, I watched Yamada Taro Monogatari starring Ninomiya Kazunari and Sakurai Sho and was condemned to being just another of the many in the ranks of overseas Johnny’s fans.
In the last week of 2008, I watched the music video for 呪文－MIROTIC－ [Jumon -MIROTIC-] by Tohoshinki/Dong Bang Shin Ki/TVXQ/that group with far too many names for my liking and am now endangered.
Let me explain. As I browse dramas and variety shows and music videos, I toss a number of them to my sister for her entertainment too. My sister likes to dance as much as I like to sing.
She also likes muscular East Asian physiques. (What an oxymoron, I know.) Or at least half-naked not-skinny East Asian males.
So after I tossed her the video for MIROTIC (because really, are you going to know this song as Jumon, or as MIROTIC?), there was no going back. In fact, it turned out to be a more effective way to get me to learn who was who (as compared to my prior attempt involving the TRICK singles) for the sake of teacing her, and now I share the bountiful knowledge with you. (Presented in about 85% Kimi snark and flail, not that it does you any good.)
From the start of the video, the premise involves our 5 heroes of the Tohorangers team apparently being spirited away by the classic Lady in Red (-and-white-gauzy-veils). Oh noes! They have been separated! She comes from the shadow to prevent more horrible fanfics about their supposedly gay love! (Nothing against the gay, but everything against the horrible and probably the fanfics too.) Actually, I support this lady >9000%, but clearly the Tohorangers do not. Why yes, for all intents and purposes, they are now going to be the Tohorangers. WHEN IN DOUBT, MAKE THEM A GIANT ROBOT ANIME OR A SENTAI TEAM. That is the rule here at minnaSTAR, and possibly the best rule you will come across in your life. Short of, y’know, “Thou shall not kill” – because do you really want to die that early?
Perhaps at this point it’s worth noting that red is also apparently the main color used to identify Tohoshinki in Korea. So what is it now, the Red Lady is really their fanclub Cassiopeia? If so, I’m torn between applauding the director and fearing for the Tohorangers’ lives.
All the members are now supposed to be caught in traps to serve as Red Lady’s boytoys – with the toys part perhaps being literal. (Did I mentioned I support this lady >9000%? Because I do, really I do.) Each member has to deal with a different situation, and perhaps a different trap. Let us cut away for a moment to introduce the members and their traps.
Hero Jaejoong and the Wall.
Max Changmin and his… sexy water bath?
Our leader, U-Know “WTF kind of an alias is U-Know?!” Yunho and the weak attempt at bondage.
Xiah Junsu and his spasming. Oh, and maybe the green lasers that threaten to ruin his eyes permanently.
Micky Yoochun and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad [Hair] Day.
By the way, it ought to be pointed out that only three of them really have to deal with the Red Lady. Changmin never actually sees hair or fabric of her, but is apparently so incompetent that he’ll bring himself down in that water pool. Junsu… actually, I don’t know what damage the green light beams could possibly cause. He’s already standing right in the middle of them. The lady wants to avoid them (and the museum security alarms they set off) too, so he’s probably the safest out of them all. It is hard to convey this through screenshots alone, so you may have another picture of the painful haircut Yoochun suffers.
Yunho, on the other hand, willingly put out his hand for Lady in Red to wrap fabric around, so he might be looking forward to a little somethin’ somethin’ from the sex that gets shafted post-filming. The Lady clearly agrees as long as she gets to be on top.
Okay, story part over for a bit. Let’s focus on the dance shots. This is what the fangirls are paying to see. Slimming black. Toned, defined muscles on the upper torso. Their 4 favorite guys (or thereabouts) and 1 possible girl showing off smooth dance moves.
If only they didn’t ruin it with the close-up singing headshots. Tohoshinki was in the business for 5 years at the time this video was filmed, and they’ve still got some work to do. For example, Jaejoong looks like a tragic, angsty fembot.
Changmin tries to get the point across and kind of overdoes it. Here he looks like a sad puppy. Or desperate for a kiss.
Yunho’s not important enough (or too gay) to get many solo singing lines, much less a proper singing headshot until the end. At least he makes good use of them.
Junsu, on the other hand does cute little head cocks that send all the fangirls flying (regardless of the weird position his lips are in up there). He really doesn’t have a single bad headshot during the dance setting. But then again, he more than makes up for it with weird faces as he dances.
And Yoochun tries to make the best of things (read: his hair) by acting as mysterious as possible.
Which is a shame, because the dance is a smooth and varied piece of work that really makes good use of the numbers in varied formations and games of “follow the leader” to make an impact.
Until you get to the beautifically gay poses like this.
Back to the “story”. The Red Lady has trapped all of our Tohorangers, but she’s playing favorites. Especially with Yoochun and Jaejoong, whom she taunts – so close you could touch her, but uh-uh, having sex with groupies is not allowed when you’re a boyband. Try again when you’re rockstars.
Junsu wants to be a rockstar, so he throws a tantrum in his lights before realizing this doesn’t work and that the lights are shiny and – hey, he has a personal rave like this!
Changmin has decided it’s better to look sexy in the water than get out for a safer place, so he stays in the water and plays around and generally looks a lot better than he does in the dance shots.
And Yunho… Well, we know Yunho. Do U-know Yunho? Okay, okay. Please don’t shoot the author.
Basically the song relies heavily on the vocal capabilities of our five heroes and the video reflects it, mixing in these story shots with the dance to create just the right amount of variety where the video isn’t boring, has good imagery, and shows off the boys doing what Korean artists do best. (Please tell me if you know what that is, I’ve yet to figure it out.)
Then we hit the rap. Oh, the rap. My sister adored Yunho. And then she saw the rap. And saw it performed. (Of course, this was compounded by the ridiculousness of the rap in Purple Line. Once you watch that, you can never look at him in the same way again.) I don’t know why – Yunho’s speaking voice isn’t especially high or nasal, especially compared to one Miyake Ken – but when he raps he sounds beautifically gay. And the dance moves don’t really help, either. Of course, we’ll get to just how bad it can be when I finally bring out the Purple Line video for snarking at here, but for MIROTIC… well, be glad it only lasts three lines, and Yoochun takes one of them. On the bright side, I have finally found someone whose rapping I can take even less seriously than I take Sho’s. Yes, I took girlpop rapping more seriously than I took Sho’s.
Immediately after the rap, though, the Tohorangers couldn’t take anymore. It was just too gay.
Yoochun cracks his glass prison.
Yunho wants sex NOW (just to affirm that he can stick it in and not be stuck instead) and pulls on his ties.
Changmin pretty much gives up and tries to drown himself.
Jaejoong tries to become the Hulk. (Or whatever other massively strong-with-bulging-veins superhero of your choice.)
And Junsu figures he’ll work his way up from lighting to king of the stage. Thus he shines the light into the dance hall. And hey, look, it worked! At this point, they somehow changed clothes in the dance shots (I blame the light) and got loads of dancing ninjas. I shit you not, look at those face masks. I like these outfits better than the ones before too, though even with the visual of Jaejoong’s chest I don’t believe he’s really male.
Somehow, though, Junsu’s magical green spotlight into the dance hall made everything better. Jaejoong doesn’t get the green skin, but he’s several bulging veins closer to becoming the Hulk.
Yoochun completely shatters his prison. (I have to admit, this is an awesome visual.)
Changmin comes up after finally realizing that the water pool is too shallow for him to drown in and looks the sexiest he’s been all video.
Junsu becomes smart enough to realize he can just walk out – though I guess the disappearance of the shiny distracting lasers helps.
I’ve got no fucking clue what happened to Yunho, but he’s probably fucking the Lady in Red. Can’t show that stuff on camera, y’know. Have more of Junsu’s cutesy faceshots instead. He doesn’t want you to care – join the Church of Junsu today! He’s very earnest about it! Join today and you, too, can be the proud owner of a free eggbeater (normally valued at $19.99)!
Unfortunately, our Red Lady is the type to kiss and run. And the Tohorangers need sex badly.
We’re back to the corridors of the beginning, and this time, the Tohorangers are after the Lady in Red for a fun time.
She somehow escapes through a crack of light (okay, so she’s apparently evil and melts between the light and the hard places in pants, but I like my interpretation better).
So we are left with dance shots and eerie eyes that really only work on Yoochun because his hair’s blocking one of them anyways.
Have more eerie eyes. (If you’re masochistic and really must see them big, just click on the caps.)
And some more. (Lather, rinse, repeat.)
Okay, enough eerie eyes. Jaejoong is apparently not all robot! Funny how it took the lack of sex to make himher pissed.
Despite this entire post, I kid. Really, I do. The video can be seen sexy if you are inclined to do so. My sister certainly was. But hey, when you take sexy this seriously… and this ridiculously, how do you not make fun of it? Unfortunately at the same time, the song grew on me, and I am stuck being the possible fan of yet another boyband. Hey, anyone want to shine a magical green spotlight on me?